For families
How do I talk to my loved one about this?
Almost nobody wants to be the one who brings it up. If you are reading this, you probably already know it is time to say something, and you are looking for a way in that does not feel like a betrayal.
Do not lead with the word
For a lot of people, "hospice" lands as "we are giving up on you," and once that is the frame, the conversation is about defending yourself instead of about them. Start with what they have been telling you.
You are exhausted after every appointment. You said the last hospital stay was not worth it. You want to sleep in your own bed. Those are the openings. The name of the benefit can come later.
Ask before you propose
A question keeps them in charge of their own life, which is what most people are actually defending when they push back. Some that tend to work:
- What matters most to you right now?
- What are you most worried about?
- If things got harder, where would you want to be?
- Is there anything you want to stop doing?
You may hear an answer you were not expecting. That is the point of asking.
Then say what it actually is
Plainly, and without overselling it. Hospice means a nurse who comes to the house, an aide who helps with bathing, someone to handle the medications and the equipment, and a number you can call at two in the morning and reach a person. The goal shifts from fighting the illness to keeping them comfortable.
It is also not permanent. People come off hospice. If someone stabilizes or decides they want to pursue treatment again, they can revoke the benefit and go back. Saying that out loud removes a lot of the fear.
What to avoid
- Do not do it in a group. Four family members in a living room feels like an ambush, no matter how kindly it is meant.
- Do not lead with statistics or a prognosis. If they want the numbers they will ask, and their doctor should be the one to give them.
- Do not push for a decision that day. Planting it and coming back to it works better than winning the argument.
- Do not say "there is nothing more we can do." It is not true. There is a great deal more to do. It is just aimed at a different goal.
If they say no
Let it be no, for now. Then keep the door open: "Alright. Can we at least talk to someone and find out what it would look like?" A conversation costs nothing and commits them to nothing, and it is much easier to agree to than a decision.
You can also call us yourself, without them, and just ask questions. Plenty of families do that first.
You can call before anyone has decided anything
There is no cost to a conversation and no obligation. If it turns out to be too early, we will tell you that plainly rather than sign somebody up.
Answered 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Please do not send medical details by email or through this website.